Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
